The secret to full-fat holiday bliss
Forget crash diets and bikini bootcamps: you can look great on the beach without calorie-counting. In her book, 101 Things To Do Before You Diet, Mimi Spencer explains how you can have your cake and eat it
ILLUSTRATIONS BY PATRICK MORGAN
You may think that preparing for a holiday is all about packing pretty sandals, having yellow-fever jabs and checking that your passport is still valid. Pish. Getting ready to go on vacation is all about one thing: your body. That sluggish fleshpot which last saw the sun in the pre-recession days, that body which enjoyed a blow-out Christmas, a generous Easter and a whole tube of Pringles last Friday night, now has to hit the beach. Harumph.
You may think that the only thing for it is to diet like a banshee, strapping yourself to the bathroom scales and weeping into the maple-syrup drink which is doing service as your lunch. Well, with the help of a few choice tips (101 to be precise), I have found that you can get the body beautiful without the need for dieting.
I call it the no-diet diet, and it works. I lost over a stone in four months, thanks to an understanding of all the things that affect a body and its shape, not just the calories in and the calories out (though these are, of course, the bottom line if you want to lose weight). There are other factors, too – hormones, habits, psychology – and, of course, the cunning, canny tricks of the fashion and beauty industries, tricks which will melt away the pounds before you can say, “Have you got that in navy?”
Over my years as a fashion journalist, I have learned much bikini lore. It’s an arcane language, but well worth mastering. I have worked out, for instance, that a large bottom looks smaller in less fabric, not more. (I’m not suggesting the Brazilian floss bottom. Just something that doesn’t completely cover every scrap of flesh as if you’ve had your rump wallpapered). What’s more, a big bust does well in a halter top – chiefly because it offers maximum support – while bandeaus only work on the flat of chest.
Whatever bikini you plump for (and there are more swimsuit tips overleaf), with a month to go before you hit Departures, most bodies could do with a bit of an MOT. I’m not talking about crash diets, deprivation and gloom, but a combination of clever methods to get your body up to scratch before it frightens the good folk of Faro or Fuengirola.
First, get a tan. By some fabulous trick of the light, a tan will shave off pounds, leaving you slender and toned without even moving from your lounger. This is the fast track to thin, but using the sun to achieve it is all wrong. A little lick of sun exposure is no bad thing (it is thought to combat depression and aid sleep); just don’t over-do it. Instead of pegging yourself out in the midday sun, slathered in baby oil and reading John Grisham, go for one of the tanning products on the market. The rule is to exfoliate first and wash hands afterwards, bearing in mind that a gradual build-up will make you look less radioactive; don’t go suddenly orange and surprise your friends by turning up to a barbecue looking like an Oompa-Loompa.
Once out there, on your balcony or veranda, beautifully bronzed and surrounded by sun, sea and sambuca, there are a few vital tips to keep you from returning home with, ahem, excess baggage. When writing 101 Things To Do Before You Diet, I found myself researching the myriad elements that will have a significant effect on a waistline – from adequate sleep (you ought to be able to work that into a holiday routine), to fat food habits in your daily life (a holiday gives you the chance to avoid that morning muffin and the triple-fudge latte on the way to work).
But beware: there are other dangers that become more pernicious on holiday. For example, an especially good way to gain weight is to dine with other people. According to Professor Brian Wansink at Cornell University, “on average, those who eat with one other person eat about 35% more than they do when alone; members of a group of four eat about 75% more; those in groups of seven or more eat 96% more…” Gulp. This is why holidaying with friends is as dangerous as it gets – the shark-infested waters of your social map. I recently went on a self-catering holiday with friends, and the sheer quantity of food that was bought, discussed, consumed and discussed again was phenomenal. Every third minute, someone seemed to be nudging another spoonful of mashed potato onto my plate. We’d eat and pick and chat and then eat some more, the constant ongoing conversation being about what we were going to have for the next meal. Humans are social beasts, and food is brilliantly celebratory and cohesive; a lip-smacking, heart-warming social glue. Simply being aware of the peril should be enough to still your hand as it hovers over that third bruschetta.
And – sigh – then there’s the alcohol. If it’s not a rough bottle of Rioja down at the taverna, it’s cocktails on the terrace or jugs of beer on every available surface. Official figures recently revealed that millions of middle-class women are drinking far more than they think. According to the British Dietetic Association, this has given British women a whole new shape – an unexpectedly fitting ‘wine-glass figure’. The increase in alcohol consumption has apparently caused us to accumulate weight less around bums but more around the middle, similar to the traditional beer belly on men. Again, simply keep tabs on your tab while you’re on holiday.
But, if you do have a blow-out, don’t fuss. Remember there’s more to life and happiness than fitting into a smaller pair of jeans. Besides, if you really do want to shift those post-vacation pounds, there are 101 easy ways to do it without dieting – trust me. 101 Things To Do Before You Diet (Doubleday), is out now. www.mimispencer.com
TIP#48: BUY THE RIGHT SWIMSUIT
Every year, you look up from Easter and what do you know? It’s bikini time again, and you’ve just spent the last fortnight waist-deep in Chocolate Buttons. In your mind’s eye, you’re Ursula Andress emerging from the surf. In reality, you’re deluded, and you need all the help you can get.
No one should leave home without the reliable armour of a well-cut black one-piece. Stifle those yawns. Like the little black dress, this is the very backbone of a successful wardrobe. If black feels dull, turn to accessories to make a splash: a giant bag in a floral print, a pair of spangly flip-flops, even big wooden beads.
If you want your bikini to work, you need to look for: underwiring; a top with clip fastenings, not ties, for added stability; a tie-side bottom, which won’t bite into your rump like a wide-side can; and high-leg pants, which will elongate a leg, but demand exhibition-class depilation.
When entering the sea, do try not to fiddle with your bikini. You look fine. Pulling fabric from between your cheeks won’t improve matters and may serve to make things worse.
Better yet, buy a Miraclesuit; tag line: “Ten pounds lighter in 10 seconds!” The cut has a hint of the fifties, with a substantial bottom, an elegant swathe at the décolletage, and a tremendous capacity to contain. It makes you walk like a screen goddess and look like a babe. All this comes at a cost, though (around £100), and there’s also the unsettling sense that you’ve waltzed back in time to an era when women were tied to the stove and bound by their formidable underwear. Still, what price beach pride?
IF MAGAZINES CHEAT, THEN YOU CAN TOO
Remind yourself, as you say ‘cheese’, that the images which surround us are pure fantasy. As Christy Turlington explains, “There’s not one picture in magazines today that’s not airbrushed. When women see pictures of models and say, ‘I can never look like that’, they don’t realise that no one can look that good without the help of a computer.” Or, as Cindy Crawford puts it: “I think women see me on the cover of magazines and think I never have a pimple or bags under my eyes. You have to realise that’s after two hours of hair and make-up, plus retouching. I don’t wake up looking like Cindy Crawford.”
Lately, the kind of airbrushing and retouching usually reserved for top models (the last women who need it) has become available to the masses. Snappy Snaps has an airbrushing service for customers who want to enhance their holiday snaps. You can brighten dark circles, lengthen legs, erase jelly roll and whiten teeth, just like they do in magazines. If you want a deeper clean, retouchphoto.co.uk can give you a complete picture facelift, eliminating saggy jowls, eye bags and unprepossessing husbands. The only thing you can’t do is cut and paste an Adonis in a thong at your side. Actually, hang on – you can!
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