PHOTOGRAPHY JENSEN LARSON

A few months ago, my younger daughter, Celeste, 8, developed an obsession with manatees, the aquatic mammals known for their friendly, curious natures and, sadly, their struggle to survive in the waterways of Florida. There were many questions – ‘What do they eat?’, ‘How many are left?’, ‘Can we get one?’ – but the most important of them was ‘Where do they live?’ Once it became apparent that one of the places the creatures can be found was also the home of the world’s most famous theme parks – Universal Studios, SeaWorld and Walt Disney World – Celeste’s older sister, Rhianna, 11, joined the campaign for a trip to Florida. After some persuasive arguments were made (and made, and made…) my wife Lisa and I finally gave in. It wasn’t necessarily our idea of a dream holiday, but for the kids it was the equivalent of being let loose in Santa’s workshop.

While Lisa and I were simply glad to get some winter warmth, the kids were equipped with an Orlando master plan that involved visiting several of the theme parks and eating their way through Florida’s supply of ice-cream.

Oh, and don’t forget the wildlife: as we drove to our hotel Celeste announced, with characteristic honesty, “I’ll do anything to meet a manatee – even lick the ground.”

Orlando is in the centre of the state, meaning that it’s not the typical Florida destination of a British kid’s imagination: a coastal resort such as Miami, West Palm Beach or Sarasota. It is, though, the third most visited city in the US, after Las Vegas and Los Angeles. There are literally hundreds of hotels and dozens of theme parks and attractions to visit – most of it aimed squarely at families.

“I thought we were going to Florida, not Hawaii,” Celeste noted when we arrived at our hotel. Her confusion was understandable. The Loews Royal Pacific Resort, is themed along the lines of the Pacific islands. In the distance the girls could see Universal Studios and Universal’s Islands of Adventure. Rhianna picked up her room key. “Right, let’s go,” she said. We pointed out to her that it was nearly midnight. “Okay, fine,” she said, as if we’d crushed all her worldly hopes. “But tomorrow we’re getting up early.”

This was a first. Nor was it just talk. The girls were up and agitating to leave for Universal Studios by 7am. Celeste, naturally, wanted to see the show featuring the animals that have been trained for movies. Rhianna is a major fan of The Simpsons and wanted to experience the park’s eponymous ride. Both of them got their wishes: Celeste met one of her favourite dogs – the pug from Men in Black – and Rhianna was happy to be scared witless by The Simpsons simulated roller coaster. She even admitted to closing her eyes for most of it. After some negotiation between the kids, Lisa and I were told that we were accompanying them to Shrek 4-D. Be warned: this isn’t just a cinematic experience. Your chair will move, simulated spiders will brush your legs and a sneeze from Donkey will spray you with water, which the girls found hilarious in a gross-out way. The final decision of the day was whether they wanted to go on the Hollywood Rip Ride Rockit roller coaster. Celeste gazed up at the screaming people: “Do you have to give them $10 if you throw up?” she asked before deciding against the experience.

The girls approach to the trip was a little like the UN Climate Summit in Copenhagen: our days were determined by negotiation – which sometimes descended into shouty argument – followed by compromise. One area where there was unanimous agreement was a visit to SeaWorld, the marine adventure park. That day, breakfast-time excitement was generated by a discussion about what it would be like to touch a dolphin. The conclusion: a little bit like rubber. An hour later the girls were leading us on a Dolphin Encounter: a behind-the-scenes tour from one of the team responsible for the dolphins’ welfare and training. They were shown some of the backstage areas where rescued sea turtles were being cared for before being told about how dolphins and killer whales are trained using positive reinforcement. (A method of behavioural science that was employed more than once by my wife and I during our trip: whether you’re dealing with a dolphin, or an 11-year-old, treats are powerful motivators.) Then it was the girls’ turn to have a go at working with the dolphins. Using simple hand commands – and a big bucket of fish – they were able to get their new pals Alpha and Neo to spin, shake flippers, swim backwards and, finally, hug them. “That was the best thing ever,” Celeste said afterwards, forgetting her manatee fixation for just a moment.

Next on Celeste’s must-do list was meeting a king penguin – she reacted in disbelief when she discovered the bird’s feathers were softer than the fur of her cat back home – while Rhianna went on the Journey to Atlantis ride to mull over whether she really wanted (as requested in the comparative safety of our living-room back home) to be taken down into a shark tank. We wondered whether she would go ahead, but, undaunted, she was kitted up in a wetsuit and had breathing apparatus – basically a large helmet – placed over her head, ready for the plunge. Then she and I clambered into a cage and were lowered into the tank. Through a microphone a diver on the surface explained to Rhianna exactly what she was seeing as curious predators cruised by inches from her. It was surreal, exhilarating and fascinating: a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that Rhianna declared to be nothing less than “awesome.”

At dinner that night, the girls faced some tough decisions – there was a day to go and they still had a lot on their respective lists that needed to be ticked off. While the idea of water parks appealed to them, yet again, wildlife was king. Over burgers, Animal Kingdom, Disney’s ‘animal-themed’ property, won out over other options. Celeste has a pen pal in Ghana, so she decided that we should visit the ‘Africa’ part of the park, where we went on safari and saw black rhinos, a lion, cheetahs, antelope, warthogs, elephants, gorillas and other creatures of the savannah.

Despite all the fun, the girls sensed that something was missing. “We can’t come all this way and not see the castle,” Celeste said. She was right, of course; we’d yet to visit Magic Kingdom. The girls opted for the monorail which runs between the parks, rather than the car, as the most environmentally responsible mode of transport, and 15 minutes later led us onto the iconic It’s A Small World ride, which they described as ‘weird’ before asking to go on again. The girls spent the next two hours on rides before announcing to a footsore Lisa and I that they had one final request: Epcot, the Disney park which is themed around technology and international culture. In it, there is a large lake, around which there are eleven pavilions representing different cultures – from Mexico through Japan to Canada. The girls asked to dine in China and, after a long, long day, slept soundly.

Unlike the Copenhagen summit, our trip was a resounding success. It was definitely an adventure that none of us would forget.

And Celeste did get to meet her manatee – one of the rescued ones at SeaWorld. Even better, there was no requirement to lick the floor.

The writer stayed at The Loews Royal Pacific Resort (www.tcsignature.com). Car hire was through Alamo Rent A Car, exclusive partner of Walt Disney World Resort, +44(0)870 599 4000, www.alamo.co.uk who offers inclusive rental packages. Disney is currently offering free dining for the whole family and a *14-day ticket for the price of a seven-day ticket, for further information, please see page 99 (*refers to page 99).

GETTING THERE
For more information visit your local Thomas Cook or Going Places store, call +44 (0)844 412 5966, visit thomascook.com or tune in to Thomas Cook TV on Sky channel 655

ILLUSTRATIONS JON BERKELEY

The Sergeant Major

‘Sarge’ turned up at the airport with a clipboard and some coloured pens. He’d done high-street price comparisons on all duty-free items and brought a packed lunch. And there is nothing wrong with bringing a packed lunch, except that he’d labelled his sandwiches.

He was the new boyfriend of a friend of ours and he’d decided at the last minute to join a group of us on a trip to Amsterdam. A born leader and organiser, Sarge actually worked in book publishing, but we called him that because literature’s gain was the military’s loss.

To be fair, as someone with the organisational skills of a three-year-old, I was initially impressed by the extent of his forward planning. Sarge was comfortably in charge and we all fell in line dutifully, happily even, as he route-marched us to the departure gate. The holiday however, was somewhat tense. Whenever the rest of us fancied lazing about in the Vondelpark or wandering along the canals, Sarge would bellow at us to hurry along – “if we skip lunch,” he’d urge, “we’ll be just in time to use this coupon for half-price admission to the Tulip Museum.”

Things came to a head on the last day of our trip (it was only a weekend but it felt like a never ending tour of duty), when Sarge dragged us all out of a coffee shop to join him on a bicycle ride. Reaching the end of his being-bossed-around tether, my boyfriend shouted at Sarge, Sarge shouted back, Sarge’s girlfriend started crying so I shouted at my boyfriend, he shouted back at me, my best mate shouted at him and pretty soon we were all shouting. Faced with mutiny from the lower orders, Sarge behaved like a true leader and slipped away while we were still fighting among ourselves. When we saw him next at the airport, he behaved as if nothing had happened. In fact, he simply took charge again.

Although we’ll never go on holiday with my friend and the Sarge again, I can’t avoid him altogether – he is now married to our friend and they’ve got two lovely children (who ALWAYS know EXACTLY what is in their lunchboxes) but thankfully, he’s a lot more laid-back.  

The Authentics

The Authentics are a pair of seasoned globetrotters who usually go somewhere that is far-flung, so coming with my boyfriend and I to mainland Europe a few years ago was rather unusual for them. Their ideal holiday is to somewhere that very few people have heard of, which is incredibly hard to get to, and ideally, war-torn.

As you may have gathered, I am a little on the lazy side, and for the entire week we saw next to nothing of The Authentics because they were so desperately in search of ‘authentic local culture’ and we were just as desperate for a lounger in close proximity to the poolside bar.

We felt super guilty when, every evening, they would come back and regale us with tales of the amaaaazing little fishing port they’d found where nobody spoke a word of English and how they had managed to buy a three-litre bottle of the local crab-flavoured liqueur for the equivalent of 10p.

Eventually we started making things up to compete with them, and actually sent them off for half a day looking for the ancient ruins we’d discovered. Funnily enough, no matter how many people they asked, they never did locate Fort Bumhat.

The only time they stopped exploring was towards the end of the week when they both came down with a touch of food poisoning. We tried very hard not to gloat, but we couldn’t help thinking it might have been the crab liqueur.  

The Good Time Girl

When I was in my mid-20s, I went on holiday with a girl from work. We didn’t know each other that well, but we had holiday to take at the same time and she seemed like a good laugh. At work parties, we’d both get a bit tipsy, and she’d often come in on Monday morning looking a bit the worse for wear, but I think it’s safe to say I didn’t quite realise what her definition of a good time really was.

Despite never even wearing a T-shirt to work, she turned up at the airport with her breasts straining under the slogan ‘100 per cent single’. For elevenses, she dived straight into the pub for a refreshing tequila shot and it was then that I truly understood that I was about to spend a week in the sun with Courtney Love.

Now, I am no prude and I have been known to take a drink, but I’d have collapsed by day three if I’d tried to keep up with GTG. No matter how hard she’d partied the night before – and she made Keith Richards look like Gwyneth Paltrow – GTG was always up bright and early to indulge in her other vice: tanning.

GTG approached tanning with scientific rigour. Every morning, she’d exfoliate extensively and smother herself in lotion. She did this poolside, very slowly, and it became a floorshow for onlookers. In hindsight, it was astonishing that no one tried to tuck a banknote into her bikini. The lotion smelled deliciously tropical, and I fancied sharing it, but when I looked for the SPF factor, I realised it was pure coconut oil. She was just basting herself all day.

We’d chosen one of the livelier Greek islands, so luckily, GTG managed to latch onto a group of lads and spent most of her evenings with them while I caught up on my reading. Shortly after the holiday, I left my job, but actually, we still keep in touch, and she’s still a wonderfully colourful character – that colour being a deep, mahogany tan.

WISH YOU WERE HERE…

Drift away

Emerald Bay might sound like a location plucked from J. M. Barrie’s Peter Pan, but you won’t find any childlike clamour on these Bahaman shores. Sandals’ just-opened retreat is a honeymooners’ resort, strictly adults-only, where everything is serene and BlackBerry-free, and everyone has their own butler. If you do need action, you’ll find it on the 18-hole, Greg Norman-designed golf course. And did we mention the Dermalogica spa? It’s like a fairy tale for grown-ups. Sandals Emerald Bay (www.thomascook.com)

BIG PICTURE

Wild at heart

Image - CORBIS

Namib Desert, Namibia

All eyes might be on South Africa for the upcoming FIFA World Cup, but just north of the Republic there is a geological wonder that screams escape and solitude. One of the world’s oldest deserts, the Namib – which literally translates as ‘vast open space’ – is famed for its lofty sand dunes that tower up to 300 meters high. But you won’t be totally alone – the desert’s inhabitants include ostriches, springbok and mountain zebras. And with the country celebrating it’s 20th year of independence, there’s never been a better time to venture into the wild with Thomas Cook Tours or Thomas Cook Signature. You can even tag on a trip to Cape Town, post desert safari, if the football fever hasn’t subsided.

FOOD

Word on the street

From falafels to fermented rice noodles, street food is going upmarket and trendy. We give the lowdown on where to sample the best…

PHOTOGRAPHY PATRICE DE VILLIERS

THAI

Street level: Thai street food beginners should start in Bangkok’s Chinatown at T&K Seafood, (49-51 Phadung Dao, aka Soi Texas at the junction with Yaowarat) which offers English translation and pictures of the dishes, such as crab fried rice.

Posh it up: The chef at Europe’s first Michelin-starred Thai restaurant Nahm, David Thompson is opening a second branch in Bangkok’s Metropolitan Hotel this April. The highly respected Aussie chef is also releasing a cookbook, Thai Street Food, in the UK (already available in Australia) this October.

What to order: Pad Thai, green papaya salad and kanom jin (fermented rice) noodles.

INDIAN

Street level: If street stalls that attract swarms of flies make you nervous, Jumbo King in Mumbai (www.jumboking.co.in) is a gentrified street food chain that serves one of the city’s favourite dishes, a vada pav – spicy potato ‘burger’ – with optional extra spice toppings.

Posh it up: Inspired by Mumbai’s tiffin wallahs – meals brought to office workers in metallic dishes – Tiffinbites (www.tiffinbites.com) is a chain of British take-away stores that serve delicious kebabs and curries.

What to order: All the usual suspects, such as chicken madras and rogan josh, to more adventurous dishes such as keema mattar masala – lamb mince and peas with coriander, tomato and onion.

LEBANESE

Street level: Barbar (Spears Street, Hamra, Beirut, +961 1 379 778) is a 24-hour restaurant with separate, street-facing counters for falafel, shawarma, manaeesh (zaatar and cheese) and fresh fruit juice. They do an excellent mixed shawarma (chicken and lamb) and if you’re up for it, kebbeh nayeh (raw minced lamb). Posh it up: Yalla Yalla (1 Green’s Court, W1, London, +44 (0)20 7287 7663, www.yalla-yalla.co.uk). What this hip Soho joint lacks in size (it’s tiny) it more than makes up for in taste.

What’s on the menu: Houmus with shawarma, labneh (sour yoghurt dip), sautéed chicken liver with garlic and pomegranate molasses and falafel.

TREND

Sin city

Image - REX FEATURES

Financial districts are no longer all suits and board rooms – they are now home to trendy bars and hot hotels

Where there are suits and skyscrapers, you’ll find money, sure, but cool factor? Yes, of late, financial districts are moving up the trend barometer.

In New York’s Financial District, home to Gordon Gekko – who is back on our screens this April in Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps – a raft of chic hotels are set to impress. The W New York Downtown (123 Washington Street, New York, NY 10006, +1 212 826 8600, www.123washingtonstreet.com) will open near the site of the new Freedom Tower and Andaz (75 Wall Street, New York, NY 10005, +1 212 590 1234, www.newyork.wallstreet.andaz.hyatt.com), a boutique offshoot of Hyatt, has a new outpost on Wall Street itself.

Meanwhile, in London’s financial district, Girls Aloud’s Sarah Harding recently opened Kanaloa (18, Lime Office Court, Shoe Lane, +44(0)20 7842 0620, www.kanaloaclub.com), with the owners of Tiki bar Mahiki. The similarly themed club has hosted the likes of Beyoncé and JLS in its Polynesian surrounds. Nearby, the latest offshoot of Camden’s Proud Galleries, Proud Cabaret (1 Mark Lane, EC3, +44 (0)20 7283 1940, www.proudcabaret.com), is a restaurant with a 1920s, speakeasy-styled basement that hosts live music and shows.

Greed aside, the stocks are up on financial districts.

RETRO

Image - GETTY, REX FEATURES

Say cheese

It only seems like yesterday we were sadly bidding the Polaroid instant camera goodbye a final farewell. But like the best kind of encores, Polaroid has reissued some of their more popular cameras such as the Polaroid One which will be released around May or June. Polaroid TWO, a digital version of the original snapper and aimed at a less nostalgic generation, will also hit the shelves later in the year. www.polaroid.com

GADGET

New wave

Though this year promises a slew of smart phones trying to outsmart one another, the Xperia 10, Sony Ericsson’s first Google-based Android handset, is tipped to be the star pupil. Launching February, it is one of the speediest devices on the market with eye-wateringly clever features, including a generous 8.1 mega-pixel camera, auto facial recognition (think software that can automatically ‘tag’ up to five faces in a picture and store them in your friends’ or your phone book) and of course, Google Maps. It’s also a social networker’s dream, organising all conversation threads by person rather than application, so it doesn’t matter if you’ve been Tweeted, texted or tagged on Facebook, you won’t have to log into your accounts separately. That’s definitely an A+ in our books. www.sonyericsson.com

CONSUME

Travel essentials

Eco-friendly accessories just got a little more stylish

Eco designer tee by Christian Lacroix, £30, Fair Trade, www.figleaves.com

Etched bangle, £8, Manumit, www.ascensiononline.com

Mini Citrus & Neroli Detangler and Lavender Rosemary Shampoo, £4.25 each, John Masters Organics, www.lovelula.com

Braun Canvas Weekend Bag, £150, Matt & Nat, www.ascensiononline.com

Solar DAB digital radio, £80, Roberts Radio, www.robertsradio.co.uk

Dora Dress, £37, Komodo, www.bochica.co.uk

Maeve necklace, £106, LeJu, www.lejudesigns.com

Astraia sandal, £85, Bourgeois Boheme, www.bboheme.com

Pure Indulgence Organic Candle, £34.29, Natural Magic, www.lovelula.com

Holua black and green headphones, £54.99, Skullcandy, www.iheadphones.co.uk

SPORTS LOVER’S GUIDE TO…

Augusta, Georgia

The Masters in April is the first Major championship of the year, and the only one to be held in the same place – for good reason, says Bleacher Report’s Andy Reistetter

Augusta is the second largest city in Georgia, but is host to the greatest golf tournament in the world. The Masters is the only one of four Majors to be played year after year on the same golf course, and was originally discovered by the legendary Bobby Jones. The 1930 Grand Slam Champion bought the Fruitland Nursery property and designed Augusta National with Alister MacKenzie. His friend Clifford Roberts orchestrated the first tournament in 1934 and the rest, as they say, is history.

Locating the scarcest ticket in all of sport is improbable. For many golfers a trip to The Masters – which takes place in the first week of April every year – is a once in a lifetime pilgrimage, even though the only way to receive a badge for the four days of competition is for someone to bequeath it to you.

If you are lucky you may win an annual lottery for tickets to one of three practice rounds. A patron favourite is the Wednesday par-3 contest – last year Arnold Palmer, Gary Player and Jack Nicklaus (who has won the Masters a record six times) played together.

If you are visiting Augusta but can’t get inside the National gates, there is still hope. Stop by Neil Ghingold’s timeless antique shop on Broad Street (1230, +1 (706) 722 3438) to experience the warmth of the Deep South, the history of the game of golf, and the legacy of the Major championship.

You will likely find an old hickory club to take home as a reminder of your trip to the proud home of The Masters. Bleacher Report is where fan-journailsts create world-class sports analysis.

Join in at www.bleacherreport.com

SET JETTING

Roman holiday

Want to get romantic in the Italian capital? To tie in with the rom-com When in Rome released in April, Giovanna Dunmall gives you five local tips

1 Watch the sun set from one of Rome’s most inspiring vantage points: Pincio Park, which overlooks Piazza del Popolo, or Piazza Garibaldi on Gianicolo Hill (Romans get there by scooter, you can hike up on foot).  

2 Watch an outdoor film on the Isola Tiberina (an island in the middle of the Tiber River) in summer when the city’s outdoor piazzas hold cultural events. Or if classical music is more your thing, the city’s opera house transfers to the atmospheric ruins of the Baths of Caracalla for two months each summer. www.estateromana.comune.roma.it.  

3 When in Rome is based around the Trevi Fountain, but see it early in the morning or late at night so you can enjoy its beauty on your own. Stand in the farthest corners of the square and work out at which point the sound of the water becomes muted even though you are still very close by (it was designed so the acoustics didn’t carry).  

4 Drink an aperitivo in one of Rome’s newest bars, Etabli (Vicolo delle Vacche 9a, +39 06 97616694) with its shabby chic interior. Recline on leather sofas, under chandeliers and wood beam ceilings.  

5 Stroll across Campo dei Fiori and the magnificent Piazza Farnese along the elegant and off-the-beaten-track Via Giulia. The 15th century Ponte Sisto bridge to Trastevere oozes intrigue and magic and is made for a romantic pause.

IN NUMBERS

Phantom of the Opera

The sequel to Broadway’s longest running musical, Love Never Dies, debuts in the UK from 9 March

99%
¨The average seat sell-out rate per performance worldwide

TWO
Hours is the average time it takes to put the make up on the Phantom, including prosthetics

$5bn
Has been taken on average in tickets sales worldwide

1000m
People around the world have seen the show

149
Cities have hosted the production

130
Cast, crew and orchestra members are directly involved in each performance

281
Candles are burned in each performance

CULTURE

Celebration of a nation

From the 20th anniversary of the world-famous Bavarian beer festival to 175 years of the railway and a Capital of Culture, if you’re looking for a party this year, you’ll find it in Germany

ILLUSTRATION MATT HERRING

ALL OVER THE COUNTRY:
German Railway’s 175th anniversary
To celebrate the creation of Germany’s first railway line from Nuremberg to Fürth, Deutsche Bahn will be running hundreds of special train services over the country using vintage locomotives and old steam trains from 2-6 April. All aboard! (www.dampfspektakel.info)

Essen:
European Capital of Culture, 2010
Older than Berlin and Munich, Germany’s seventh-largest city is more than the post-industrial site it’s perceived to be.

It’s home to the Aalto Opera House, the Essen Philharmonic concert hall, the UNESCO World Heritage Zollverein coal mine and bags green credentials from its surrounding parks and lakes.

Oberammergau:
The Passion Play
Since 1634, almost half the inhabitants of this Bavarian town (that’s over 2,000 people) have taken part in the once-a-decade play, depicting the suffering and death of Christ. Starting at 2.30pm, it goes on until about 10.30pm, with a three-hour interval (between 15 May and 3 October, www.passionplay-oberammergau.com).

Meissen:
Porcelain 300th anniversary
The establishment of the Meissen factory marked the beginning of European porcelain. As well as an array of exhibitions and workshops throughout the year at the Manufactory itself, you can pick up a timeless piece from their shop (www.friedrich.meissen.com)

Zwickau:
Robert Schumann 200th anniversary
The hub of all celebrations will be in the German composer’s hometown in Saxony.

You can see his house (now a museum), his monument in the Main Market, and there will be special concerts and exhibitions held throughout the year, too. (www.schumannzwickau.de)

Munich:
Oktoberfest
The world-famous Bavarian beer festival will celebrate its 20th anniversary. Where else can you don lederhosen with a liter stein full of beer and actually look in place? (18 September-3 October, www.oktoberfest.de)

STYLE

Marc Jacobs

This spring we’ll all be wearing supersized scrunchies, thanks to the iconic American designer

Image - CATWALKING

The good news is that this season you won’t need three hours with a dedicated team of stylists to achieve the perfect Cheryl extensions or Sarah Jessica kinks. To achieve this year’s hottest look, all you will actually require is a little help from some giant ‘hair furniture’.

To get the look, think bulk and extreme. So, for example, where you would ordinarily have worn just one Kirby grip, you now want at least 20. If you’re thinking about donning a headband, add a corsage to it. Don’t believe us? Moschino sent giant bows and hearts down its spring/summer 2010 runways, while Diane von Furstenburg sent oversized embellished flower clips, YSL opted for David Beckham-style wire headbands and Sonia Rykiel showed round fascinators.

But it was Marc Jacobs who really sent us back to school with his use of oversized scrunchies, secured around top knots. And it was pretty difficult to ignore the bunny-ear style bows in his Marc by Marc Jacobs show.

Think all that is too bold? Marc Jacobs’ Lola fragrance also pays homage to the trend for over-thetop headdresses – except that the only place you’ll need to parade it is on your dresser.

HOTELS

Everybody’s talking about… going under

Like the idea of holidaying in a gravity-defying, luxury hotel under the sea? Now you really can sleep with the fishes

From the fabled sunken city of Atlantis to the subterranean lair in The Spy Who Loved Me, underwater civilisation has always been a source of infinite intrigue. And now, with three underwater hotels in the pipeline, you can really take the plunge.

In Dubai, the Hydropolis Underwater Hotel – which will have an auditorium and ballroom in twin domes – is being built 20 meters under the Persian Gulf.

In Turkey, Istanbul is launching a seven-star, seven-story high (or should that be deep?) Istanbul Underwater Hotel, with incomparable views of marine life in the Bosphorus. It will be built on the site of a 1930s tobacco factory, right under the city.

In Fiji, the $500 million (£300 million) Poseidon Undersea Resort will be ready in 2012. It will sit in a stunning 20km squared lagoon, where guests can chose from six fine dining restaurants, a marine-side massage or even tie the knot in the world’s first underwater wedding chapel. If that doesn’t satisfy your inner Jules Verne, you can pilot a 305-meter submarine through the lagoon. See you down under.

PHOTOGRAPHY TOM WARRY

“My GPS is in my head,” laughs Mohammed Zait, our guide, when I ask him how he navigates across the endless desert. He even brags that on a week-long desert safari, he wouldn’t need to consult a satnav system. It’s not a claim I’ll be putting to the test.

We’re here specifically to ride the great cresting waves of the Saharan sand sea that surrounds the Siwa oasis on Egypt’s Libyan border. For someone who’s tried snowboarding and surfing, learning to sandboard felt like completing the holy trinity of board sports. Our enterprising, multi-lingual guide – only 24 years old but who is fast becoming Siwa’s answer to Richard Branson – has plans beyond a bit of boarding, though. “You will stay in the desert tonight. With my cousin. We sleep under the stars,” he announces.

Siwa is a nine-hour drive from Cairo and, before the single lane road connecting it to the outside world was built 20 years ago, the town saw only caravans pass through. This seclusion allowed Siwans a distinct cultural identity and Berber language (Siwi) and to grow up in a town where the donkey and cart is more common than the car.

Mohammed’s pride and joy, his Land Rover Defender, gets us to our desert camp. For a while we move over hard-packed mud, until suddenly I feel the tyres sink into soft sand and we dip and climb over the moonlit dunes. Cousin Ali Khaled’s camp may only be 13kms or so into the desert, but it may as well be 1,300. Surrounded by endless, gorgeous, unspoiled nothingness, and with a roaring outdoor fire surrounded by singing Siwi men at its heart, this is the stuff of true Boy’s Own adventure fantasies.

In no time, I was fully in the spirit of things, banging on the drums, sipping a cold beer, wolfing down grilled chicken rubbed with delicious spices and listening to Mohammed and his friends singing their hearts out late into the night.

“I sing about love,” he said with a sad smile, when I ask what the songs are about. “There was a woman I loved. She has rich parents and they told her that I wasn’t good enough for their daughter. She left me for another richer man.”

Maybe it’s the cold air, maybe it’s the long journey, maybe it’s being beneath such a bewildering array of stars, but it’s all I can do to stop myself hugging the little fella at this point.

The next day, though, he’s all business. Strapping a pre-waxed sandboard (like a snowboard, but with a harder base) to the roof of the car, we head out for the dunes in the early morning before the blistering sun makes it too fierce to do anything except sit and sip mint tea in the shade.

Unlike the snow, there’s no colour coding system in the desert. Ordinarily, blue means ‘fairly easy’, green means ‘intermediate’ and black is ‘certain death’. I’m a blue-slope man myself, and am not ashamed of this. If there were an easier colour than blue – say pink, denoting slopes that were flat, or actually inside the ski lodge – I’d opt for them.

These dunes, on the other hand, were black plus plus. I could see our base near the bottom and had an awful vision of hurtling down, penetrating the camp directly through the mud wall and coming to a violent halt in the kitchen where I slam into it with such force that surgeons will later find individual chickpeas embedded two inches into my forehead.

I inch forward to the edge of the dune, which now looks near vertical. Several of Mohammed’s mates have joined us I note – no doubt because they greatly enjoy watching a nervous, chubby Brit attach himself to what is essentially a large piece of Teflon, which moves at warp speed.

I lean back a little, as you would in deep powder snow, and manage to pull a couple of half-decent turns on the way to the bottom. With no lifts, though, I have to climb back up the big dune, dragging my tired, wheezing and exceptionally out-of-shape carcass, while feeling every beer and ounce of food I’d consumed in the last six months.

If skiers like to glide down the slopes in a series of graceful arcs and snowboarders like to attack the mountain, slashing, spinning, tumbling, going backward and leaping off cliffs, then sandboarders are much closer to surfers, moving with the shifting currents and surrounded by an ocean of sand.

But unlike the pistes or the sea, there’s no one jockeying for position here. No angry surf dudes or pushy types in a lift queue – it’s just you and the shimmering shifting desert. Sandboarding in Siwa is medicine for the soul.  

The writer and photographer stayed at Barcelo Pyramids Hotel (www.thomascook.com). For sandboarding and desert excursions in Siwa, contact Mohammed Zait: +20 10 389 6756, zaitsafari@yahoo.com

GETTING THERE

For more about to these destination visit your local Thomas Cook or Going Places store, call +44 (0)844 412 5966, visit www.thomascook.com or tune in to Thomas Coook TV on Sky channel 655

EXTREME EGYPT

Sharm El Sheikh
Wreck Diving
Discover SS Thistlegorm, a World War II British supply ship, almost totally intact, and widely regarded as one of the best wreck dives in the world. The ship was hit by a German bomber in the Gulf of Suez in 1941, causing mines and bombs in the ship’s hold to explode and blast two railway carriages into the air, each landing upright on the seabed. Motorbikes, trucks and cars are among the wreckage in this giant underwater museum. Reach it by day boat from Sharm El Sheikh, (www.ssthistlegorm.com)

Hurghada
Kitesurfing
With its crystal clear water, untouched reefs and multitude of shipwrecks, it’s little wonder that this is one of the Red Sea’s most popular diving destinations. In recent years, though, the unstoppable rise of kitesurfing has seen it become a mecca for devotees of this fast-growing sport. Calm seas make Hurghada best suited for those kitesurfers that really want to revel in comfortably flat water conditions and, given its reputation as party central, spend the night throwing shapes on the dancefloor.

Marsa Alam
Windsurfing
The Red Sea ‘Riviera’ is home to some of the world’s best windsurfing, with the suitably remote spot of Marsa Alam – which shot up in popularity when an international airport was introduced in 2001 – offering near-perfect wind and sea conditions. The wind blows predominantly from the north, and tends to be very constant, and last throughout the day, gaining strength as the afternoon goes on. Little wonder, then, that pro windsurfers use the area’s Blue Lagoon as a winter practice spot.

Luxor
Hiking
The Theban Hills near Luxor offers outstanding views of the monuments and the lush Nile Valley. The footpaths you use are the same ones which used to be taken by ancient craftsmen on their way to work, as well as by the guards who made inspections of the tombs. October until April is the best time to visit, as this is when, what the ancient Egyptians called ‘the sweet breath of the north wind’, blows refreshingly across the hillsides. If you’re feeling really adventurous, you can opt to see the sights from a hot air balloon.

Image - PHOTOLIBRARY

There’s a reason that loggerhead turtles choose the beaches of Zante to scoop out their nests in the sand and lay eggs. They’re some of the softest sand beaches in the Ionian Sea, and just one of the reasons visitors are also drawn to this fascinating Greek island. Zante – or Zakynthos as it’s also known – is the most southerly of the Ionian islands, and packs a lot into a small space. Some parts are bustling with bars and nightclubs, but there are quieter resorts, too – and if you travel a mile inland you can find the kind of rural Greece that has always existed, covered in olives, as well as grapes and vegetables, and virtually untouched by the tourism that exists on the coast.

It’s an island where you can be as active and adventurous as you like, or you can just zonk out by the beach or the pool and soak up the sun. Or a bit of both. Its capital, Zakynthos Town, is worth a relaxed day’s visit. It has just enough to keep you occupied (a few small museums, churches, a Venetian fortress) but not so much that you feel pressured to pack it all in. The same goes for the island. There are some sights that are well-worth seeing, such as the Blue Caves and Shipwreck Bay, but if you don’t get round to it then it’s not the end of the world, and there’s always next time.

Not a lot changes on Zante, which is part of its charm and appeal for the many people who go back every year. Sure, some resorts get a bit busier, a new hotel might open to show a hot Greek trend, but Zante basically stays the same.

Where to stay

The Porto Zante Villas & Spa in Tragaki (www.thomascook.com), on the east coast, just a few miles from the capital and the airport, is a luxury hotel with its own white-sand beach and just five intimate villas. It’s the kind of boutique resort that has been transforming the Greek island holiday scene in the last few years, and it’s the ultimate romantic indulgent Zante escape.

More affordable and family-friendly is the fairly new Letsos Hotel (www.thomascook.com) in the lively little resort of Alykanas. This has its own pool, children’s pool and playground, bar and restaurant – in fact, you hardly need venture out.

Local dining

You won’t find Michelin-starred restaurants in Zante but you will find some good spots in almost every resort. The Mantalena in Alykanas (+30 26950 83550, www.mantalena.com) has been producing superb home-cooked Greek food since the Pylarinos family opened it in 1978. In Zakynthos Town, the Komis Fish Taverna at Ayios Leon (www.komistavern.gr) has been winning awards for years for its mainly fish and vegetarian dishes. You’ll get a complimentary starter of their house speciality, oregano soup.

Beaches

The beaches in Laganas Bay are the ones the turtles (and most tourists) choose, and here in the shallow waters off Kalamaki Beach you might even find yourself swimming with them – though you should keep a respectful distance. If you’d rather not share, then the beach at Port Roma at the end of the Vassilikos Peninsula has a lovely setting and rarely gets busy, even at the height of summer. If you feel more adventurous, rent a boat and visit one of Zante’s offshore islands where you may even have the beach to yourself.

Bring back

In Pigadakia, a tiny village inland from Alykanas, there is the charming little Vertzagio Cultural Museum (+30 26950 83580). Here you can not only get a glimpse of the traditional, agricultural way of life, but you can also buy produce from local farmers, such as olive oil and honey.

Get active

Zante and the other Ionian islands have some of the cleanest water in the Mediterranean. It doesn’t get to be that shade of bright turquoise by accident! So make the most of it and be sure to do some diving. Many of the resorts offer scuba diving, deep diving, and even night diving and underwater photography courses. Not into diving? Well, maybe it’s time you learned: take a beginner’s lesson.

What’s not too well-known about Zante is that it makes some very fine wines. It supplied wine to Venice when the Venetians ruled in the Ionian islands, and the industry is now booming again – as it is throughout Greece generally. Rent a bike and cycle through the vineyards of the fertile plain of Zakynthos, the region stretching north from Laganas Bay. Several vineyards are open to visitors, offering generous tastings and the chance to buy unusual wines direct from the maker at the winery equivalent of factory prices. Among the best are the Calinico Winery and the Solomos Winery, one of the most popular of all Greek wine-makers. So buy some wine (whites tend to be best) and go find a sunset to watch while you drink it.

What to know

Rent a car or bike and head into the island’s interior, to the rural towns and villages where not too many tourists go. The traditional mountain villages of Exo Hora and Maherado in the south of the island are fascinating, and also have fabulous views over the orchards, olive groves and vineyards. Here you’re guaranteed a warm welcome, and an adventure of some kind. And don’t be afraid to ask local people to recommend bars, restaurants, clubs, or beaches. They usually know places away from the resorts where you’ll have a really authentic Greek experience, the kind that will keep you going back to Zante – just like those turtles.

GETTING THERE

For more about to these destination visit your local Thomas Cook or Going Places store, call +44 (0)844 412 5966, visit www.thomascook.com or tune in to Thomas Cook TV on Sky channel 655

Nadine Baggott, beauty presenter on ITV1’s This Morning and regular contributor to Hello! magazine, checks out this spring’s hottest onboard beauty buys and gives her expert verdict

Image - PIXELEYES PHOTOGRAPHY

1 BENEFIT SMOKIN’ EYES, £22.50

What
The 60s smoky eye is bang on trend and this compact contains everything you’ll need to get the look: three eyeshadows, a black pencil liner, a brow colour powder and highlighter, mini tweezers, a double-ended mini brush for blending and a leaflet to show you how to do it.

The effect
The powders are easy to blend, the tweezers are great for plucking stray eyebrows, and the double-ended brush is easy to use.

Verdict
Benefit has taken out the hard work by putting together this all-you-need kit for eyes.

2 SUNKISSED BRONZE BRUSH, £7.50

What This clever bronzer has the softest shimmer to give you that sunkissed look in seconds. Click the button and the bronzing powder is neatly dispensed.

The effect Bronzers can look too dark, too orange and a little dull, but this one has a flattering, natural colour with a glow that suits all skins. Brush it on anywhere that you would normally catch the sun for a healthy look.

Verdict Perfect for pre-holiday prep, essential on holiday and fab for keeping that glow going when you get back home.

3 CLINIQUE FULL-POTENTIAL LIP DUO FIVE-PACK, £19.50

What 10 exclusive travel-sized lip glosses in Clinique’s best selling shades from pretty pinks, to soft browns, rich berry colours and on-trend corals.

The effect Some lip-plumping glosses can tingle, but these super soft colours work more like a lip balm and anti-ageing gloss that boost moisture levels to create volume.

Verdict Holiday make-up should be fuss free, which means an easy-to-apply lip gloss that moisturises sun-dried lips, adds a hint of shimmer and colour.

4 L’OREAL COLLAGEN RE-PLUMPER DUO, £16.00

What L’Oreal Paris has put together their best-selling day and night creams in one handy travel kit.

The effect Collagen is your skin’s building block; a protein that keeps your complexion firm, radiant and youthful, and this night and day cream duo helps boost the levels of collagen in your skin.

Verdict When you travel and are exposed to weather changes and the rigours of flying, good skincare takes on added importance. This well-priced skin cream set makes it easy to care for your skin.

WATCH

Jamie and Louise Redknapp

Meet the new golden couple of travel

Image - CAMERA PRESS/MATT HOLYOAK

There couldn’t be a more fitting couple to front Thomas Cook’s new campaign than Jamie and Louise Redknapp. They really love their holidays. But “who doesn’t?” Jamie rightly wants to know.

Having two children (Charley is five and Beau is one) has, though, changed the way they travel. “It changes the whole dynamic of the holiday,” Louise says, “we’ve got little boys who want to be entertained. But it’s easy to do that on holiday because you’ve got nothing else to do. Holidays are the perfect time to be with the kids and give them time. We’re very lucky that we also get to have the odd little holiday, just the two of us.”

Jamie agrees that the couple needs a bit of ‘them’ time. “I think that’s important. We all have our different trials and tribulations but just to get that time on your own, away from what’s going on at home and work, I think everybody needs it, it clears your mind.”

So where do they fly to? “We have a holiday house in Majorca.” Louise says, “in Bendinat, 10 minutes from Palma. It feels a bit cultured and there’s lots to do.”

“The Spanish are very family oriented,” adds Jamie. “My little boy has just started playing football. He just won’t put the ball down, so we sit there until one o’clock in the morning while he plays football.”

“We love Costa Smeralda in Sardinia, which is beautiful and a real luxury.”

“We’ve been going there for seven or eight years,” Jamie chips in.

“Jamie doesn’t like change very much.”

“I’m a Cancerian!” he shrugs. “We also love Barbados. It’s great for the kids, for watersports and swimming with turtles.”

For the campaign, they flew to Cape Town. “It was an amazing experience.”

Louise says. “It felt like a holiday, even though we worked.”

“I managed to sneak a bit of golf into it. And football. It was good fun,” adds Jamie, cheekily. So what’s planned for this year? Jamie will be heading to Madrid for the Champion’s League Finals and this summer he’s looking forward to watching the World Cup, “I don’t know that I’ll go over for it. I’ll be watching it with the family in England or Majorca and cheering the team on.”

The 33-year-old actor and singer believes that love (and duty-free shopping) is more powerful than Botox

Jerry Hall once told me the secret thing of looking young, radiant and beautiful. She said that there is nothing – no vitamin injection, Botox – that can compete with a woman who is in love. When you are in love, you glow and there is nothing like it.

I’m glowing at the moment and really happy. It’s true, love does take years off and you do feel better. You just ooze a kind peace and contentment.

My other half Jack is just a really good person to travel with, he makes everything good fun – he even gets really excited in the airport. We’re both in our element in duty-free!

I don’t buy into the whole ‘cougar’ thing (an older woman who goes out with a younger man – Jack is eight years her junior). Falling in love is such a unique thing. I know some younger men who could put men in their 50s to shame with what they feel and what they are able to express and how they communicate. There are still these double standards that if a man goes out with a younger woman he’s a a sexual legend, but if a woman does the same thing, she’s a sexual predator.

I don’t feel right without my beauty routine. It’s old school and classic, but every morning and evening, I cleanse, tone and moisturise without fail, even if I’ve had a few too many glasses of Champagne.

There’s nothing sexier than a woman who is the best version of herself. There are some women who just look like they are suffering to be thin. Everybody needs to find their own comfortable place.

Because I come from soaps and a working class background, people give me loads of labels which they wouldn’t do to say, Helen Mirren, if she wrote a book. I work just as hard and take my acting just as seriously, but luckily I don’t take myself as seriously.

THREE OF THE BEST…

Fragrances that look as good as they smell

Diesel Only The Brave, 50ml EDT, £27.50

The bottle for this men’s fragrance could hardly be more masculine – a clenched fist, with the Diesel logo as a massive knuckle-duster ring!

Benefit Gina My Place or Yours, 30ml EDT, £25

One of three fragrances inspired by the Georgian houses of Bath’s Royal Crescent, this Oriental-woody fragrance is modelled on the cocktail shakers used to mix martinis for 1920s flapper girls.

Marc Jacobs Lola, 30ml EDP, £28

The bright colours and the blooming flower are inspired by Marc’s fashion collection, while the floral theme continues in the fragrance itself, with its signature note of fuchsia peony.

PHOTOGRAPHY KATE WHITAKER

Considering the fact that he’s eaten in some of the world’s finest restaurants, Gino D’Acampo’s most memorable meal comes as a bit of a shock. “It was when I was in the jungle,” he says, recalling his three-week stint on last year’s I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here. “Jimmy White and I sat down on the jungle floor and we ate crab. We had a piece of wood to crack the shells and I made vinaigrette with olive oil, salt and lemon juice. That was one of my favourite meals ever. For me it proves that simple food is always remembered.”

The 33-year-old chef didn’t just go on to win I’m a Celebrity, he won it by a landslide, with 83% of the votes. “I think the reason,” he muses, “was that people could see that what you see is what you get.

I just went in there with the idea of relaxing, being myself and making new friends. I didn’t have a game plan. I didn’t care about winning. That’s why it worked for me – because I really enjoyed it. If you asked me to do it again, I’d say yes straight away.”

Now he’s hoping to pass on some of his culinary passion through his new book, The I Diet (the I, of course, stands for Italian). “Italians see eating good food like putting the best possible fuel into a car,” he explains. “If you put rubbish fuel in your body, how can you expect it to run like a Ferrari?”

While his first two books, Fantastico! and Buonissimo!, were straightforward collections of recipes, for his third foray into the world of publishing, D’Acampo has produced a diet book. “I went around the shops to check out what kind of diet cookery books there were around,” he recalls. “And you know what? They were absolutely boring.” He makes a chopping motion on the table with his hand. “Boring, boring, boring!”

This got him thinking about the well-documented health benefits of Mediterranean food. The result is a diet book with a difference. “Quick-fix diets are over,” he opines. “My book doesn’t say: ‘I promise in two weeks you’re going to lose this much weight.’ No, with this book you get a way of eating and a way of using ingredients that you can use for the rest of your life. It’s not a diet – it’s a lifestyle.”

The D’Acampo lifestyle has daily menus providing 1,500 calories for women and 2,000 calories for men. Which isn’t that revolutionary. The big surprise is, his menus include pasta dishes, cheese, desserts, even alcohol. “What’s the point of a diet that says you can’t have a glass of wine?” he shrugs. “Sure, for two weeks you’re going to lose the weight, but then what? For the rest of your life you’re not going to drink alcohol? That’s rubbish.”

It all sounds too good to be true. But surely the problem is, the tastier his recipes, the more of the food you want to eat? D’Acampo is adamant that part of the solution is changing the misplaced ideas we have of Italian cuisine: “For example, we have a delicious recipe for spaghetti carbonara, but there is no cream, no mushrooms, not a lot of Parmesan on it, not a lot of oil or butter. And smaller portions – because Italians, they don’t eat a lot of pasta…”

I raise an eyebrow. “No seriously! The traditional Italian way of eating pasta, is about 90g to 100g of dry pasta cooked. In this country, if you go to a restaurant they probably give you about 250g. Is that necessary? No. That’s not how Italians eat.”

I’m still not entirely convinced – after all, our stereotypical image of an Italian isn’t particularly slim – but D’Acampo has the statistics to back up his claims. According to the NHS Information Centre, 24% of adults in UK are obese compared to just 8% in Italy – the lowest rate of obesity in Europe. Italians also live longer.

Passion for food runs in D’Acampo’s blood. He was born and raised in Naples, where he inherited his love of cooking from his grandfather – who was head chef for Costa Cruises. “I decided to become a chef when I was 13,” he recalls. “I was helping my grandfather prepare gnocchi for all the family – there were about 20 of us around the table. And when I saw how happy people were when they ate them I thought: ‘This is unbelievable.’”

Despite the fact that he plans to live out his days in the UK, D’Acampo sings the praises of his birthplace: “The first thing you’ve got to do if you ever go to Naples,” he tells me, “is try the original buffalo mozzarella. Go to the first food shop you see and ask for a mozzarella di bufala. Take it out of the bag, pick it up and eat it like an apple. That’s a great experience.”

Apart from a compulsory visit to the Amalfi coast, most of his other Neapolitan recommendations also involve food. The ultimate crime, he feels, would be to leave the city without sampling a pizza. It was here, after all, that locals claim pizza was invented. “The best pizza in the world is in Naples,” he states matter-of-factly. “By a mile. Number one because of the ovens they use and number two because of the water. Naples is beneath Mount Vesuvius and next to the sea so we have volcanic water with the flavour of the sea. That’s why Neapolitan coffee is the best in the world. It’s nothing to do with the coffee, it’s the water.”

D’Acampo’s career as a chef started early. After graduating from catering college he became head chef at Sylvester Stallone’s Mambo King restaurant in Puerto Banus at the tender age of 19. It was here that he met his future wife, Jessica (with whom he has two sons), who was working as a waitress. When the summer ended, she persuaded him to come back to Hertfordshire.

And it’s here that D’Acampo’s life story takes an unexpected turn. He ended up working as a waiter in various London restaurants, and “fell in with the wrong crowd”. At the age of 21, he was convicted of burgling singer Paul Young’s home, and spent two years in prison, where his rehabilitation was remarkable. After leaving jail, he set up a business, Bontà Italia, which is now a leading supplier of Italian ingredients. At the same time, he started working as a consultant, designing meals for, among others, the Tesco Finest range. This led to appearances on various daytime cookery shows, notably Ready Steady Cook, and ultimately to I’m a Celebrity.

Life has become hectic since he was crowned King of the Jungle. There have been interviews, TV appearances, promoting the book, and two sets of branded kitchen utensils to be sold through Argos and Matalan. And it seems ITV now sees D’Acampo as a valuable commodity. He’s about to begin filming a new cookery show (“The best cookery show ever”) and don’t be too surprised if you see him limbering up for Strictly Come Dancing, though he confides that his footwork is “really rubbish”.

So, watch out Gordon Ramsay? He shakes his head. “Gordon and I are very different. I don’t want to make food for celebrities. I want to make simple, honest food that anyone can make. If I hear you say one day: ‘Gino, I opened your book and made your crêpes with minced pork and Parmesan for my family, and we loved it, that’s worth more than anything else in life.”

The I Diet by Gino D’Acampo and Juliette Kellow, is out now, published by Kyle Cathie Ltd (£12.99)

LEAN GINO

SPAGHETTI AND MINCED BEEF FRITTATA WITH ROCKET
Frittata di spaghetti con rucola

I could eat pasta every day, but it’s nice to create variations of it and this is a favourite. The idea for this recipe actually came when I had some left-over meat sauce and I thought with a few eggs and some pasta it would make a great frittata. It’s an excellent dish to eat cold and take with you for picnics or to work. If you prefer, you can substitute the spaghetti with linguine or tagliatelle.

Serves 6

3 tbsp extra virgin olive oil l 1 medium onion, finely chopped l 1 carrot, peeled and finely chopped l 500g extra-lean minced beef l 400g passata l salt and freshly ground black pepper l 300g dried spaghetti l 4 large eggs l 4 tbsp chopped flat-leaf parsley l 50g freshly grated Parmesan l 100g rocket leaves

Method

Heat two tablespoons of the oil in a large frying pan and fry the onion and carrot for five minutes until soft, stirring occasionally.

Add the minced beef and continue to cook for a further five minutes, stirring continuously until coloured all over.

Pour in the passata, season with salt and pepper and continue to cook over a medium heat for 10 minutes, stirring occasionally.

Meanwhile, cook the pasta in a large saucepan in plenty of boiling salted water until al dente. Drain and add to the pan with the meat sauce. Stir well and leave to cool. Preheat the oven to 180ºC/350ºF/gas mark 4.

Break the eggs into the meat sauce and pasta in the pan and add the parsley and the grated Parmesan. Mix together well.

Brush a little oil over a 28cm-diameter baking dish with sides about 5cm high. Tip in the pasta mixture and spread out, ensuring it is all levelled up beautifully.

Cook in the middle of the oven for 20 minutes until crispy and set. Remove from the oven and allow to rest for five minutes.

Transfer the frittata to a serving plate and scatter the rocket on top. Serve warm or cold.

Each serving contains: 510 calories, 22.3g fat, 7.5g saturates, 7.6g sugars, and 1g salt

01 ROMANCE
VARADERO, CUBA

Looking to combine some flop-and-drop beach time with a lick of culture, and get an exotic stamp in your passport while you’re at it? 140kms east of Havana, near virgin forests, you’ll find the luxury, grown-ups-only Sol Meliá Paradisus Princesa del Mar Resort (www.thomascook.com), pictured, who have just added a luxury spa. Cuban rum treatments aside, this honeymoon favourite is all-inclusive, so you know exactly how much to save up for.

02 ADVENTURE
FLORIDA FLY DRIVE

Make 2010 the year for that US road trip you’ve always talked about. From charming towns (Old Town Kissimmee) and the world’s best theme parks to the glitterati of Miami, the Sunshine State is the perfect place to set your own agenda, whether it’s family fun or adult escapades. www.thomascook.com

03 FOOD AND DRINK
SUMMER BEVVIES: THE NEW ORDER

The spirit

Tequila is having its moment as inspired by New York bars Allen & Delancey (www.allenanddelancey.net) and Mayahuel (www.mayahuelny.com). It includes shots and margaritas, but splash out on something adventurous like an El Tejate, made with chilli-infused tequila and condensed milk, which tastes like spicy chocolate (Allen & Delancey). The quality brand to order is Patrón (right).

The beer

The cheapest pint is 25p (in Tajikistan), according to www.pintprice.com. Not going there? Try: Madagascar (38p); Philippines (45p); Cuba (58p) or Goa (70p).  

The wine

Everybody loves a rosé in summer and Majestic Wine (www.majestic.co.uk) is recommending Southbank Sauvignon Blanc Rosé, Marlborough (£7.49), right, from New Zealand, which combines the two grapes. Or, rieslings are having a revival and Costero Riesling from Chile (£8.99), right, is dry and super drinkable.

The cocktail

Grapefruit Julep Vodka with mint leaves, honey syrup, pomegranate molasses, lime juice and fresh squeezed grapefruit juice as mixed by Angus Winchester, Hotel Nimb, Copenhagen. www.nimb.dk

04 SET-JETTING
VALLETTA, MALTA

The recent Roman Egyptian historical epic Agora (pictured), starring Rachel Weisz, is actually shot in its entirety on Malta. History lovers should head to its charming, 16th-century, UNESCO-protected capital Valletta, which was built by the Knights of St John.

Its undulating streets have also set the backdrop for other historical epics such as Gladiator and Alexander.

05 TECHNOLOGY
COOLEST TRAVEL APP

SitOrSquat (www.sitorsquat.com) lets you know where your nearest toilet is in major cities, such as London and Los Angeles. Directions, star ratings and even pictures have been uploaded by users for this ever-expanding network. Laugh now, but you never know when it might prove to be invaluable.

06 MUSIC
RETURN OF THE DIVAS

If last year was all about brand new female talent (La Roux, Pixie Lott, et al), this year will see a return for ladies who have taken a hiatus for various reasons. Expect new albums from Christina Aguilera (pictured), Amy Winehouse, Corinne Bailey Rae and Missy Elliott. There will also be another wave of reunions from acts such as Van Halen, Wang Chung and Twisted Sister.

07 ADVENTURE
INDIAN MAHARAJADECCAN ODYSSEY

India by train is a mesmeric way to see the country. Add luxury into the mix, and you have yourself an awesome, once-ina-lifetime journey. The Indian MaharajaDeccan Odyssey, the first privately-operated luxury tourist train in India, snakes its way from Mumbai to Delhi taking in the magical Udaipur, jungle safaris and the Taj Mahal on seven-night itineraries. www.tcsignature.com

08 LUXURY
XANADU ISLAND, TURKEY

The latest opening for Turkey’s Xanadu Resorts (www.thomascook.com) is an all-inclusive, all-suite resort on its own beautiful island in Bodrum – which opens its doors this April. You’ll be surrounded by olive trees and pine forests, where every suite looks out over the Aegean. There’s also a spa with exotic treatments on hand.

09 BOOKS
HOT READS

Alice O’Keeffe, Books Editor of The Bookseller suggests five titles to take on holiday

Lisa Jewell, After The Party, £11.99 (Century) Published April
The hotly-anticipated sequel to Jewell’s bestselling debut Ralph’s Party. It’s been 11 years since Ralph and Jem first got together but now the chaos of family life with two children is threatening to push them apart and temptation is everywhere. Perfect for fans of Marian Keyes and Sophie Kinsella.
Level of difficulty #

Lee Child, 61 Hours, £18.99 (Bantam Press) Published March
New adventure featuring ex-US-military-policeman-turned-maverick-action-hero Jack Reacher. Great for fans of James Patterson and John Grisham.
Level of difficulty ##

Gerald Nissenbaum, Divorce Confidential, £11.99 (Ebury) Published March
A top US divorce lawyer reveals how the super-rich end their marriages in this fascinating and eye-popping exposé: custody fights, international kidnappings, addiction issues, fraud, prostitution, the Mafia and even murder.
Level of difficulty ###

Rose Tremain, Trespass, £17.99 (Chatto & Windus) Published March
A gripping tale of revenge and betrayal set in the Cévennes region of southern France from the Orange Prize-winning author of The Road Home. One for readers of Hilary Mantel and Kate Atkinson.
Level of difficulty ####

Martin Amis, The Pregnant Widow, £18.99 (Jonathan Cape) Published February
A partly autobiographical novel largely set in the summer of 1970 in Italy where a group of friends on holiday grapple with the sexual revolution. Ideal for readers of Ian McEwan and Philip Roth.
Level of difficulty #####

10 KIDS
TENERIFE, CANARY ISLANDS

Tenerife will satisfy kids this year (and kids at heart). Loro Parque (www.loroparque.com) in Puerto de la Cruz has recently opened a free-flight bird aviary. Katandra Treetops, a space twice the size of London’s Royal Albert Hall, is filled with over 100 different species such as pelicans and fruit pigeons. And for the grown ups? Clash of the Titans, starring Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes, set for release this March, was filmed in Tiede National Park (pictured, left). Unleash your inner Greek god, with a rugged jeep tour of the UNESCO World Heritage Site. www.tamaran.com

11 AFFORDABLE
BOURGAS, BULGARIA

Black is the new… black. Well, Sea that is. The Bulgarian Black Sea Riviera, with its artistic crowds, folklore festivals and bohemian spirit, is the next Dalmatian Coast – in terms of affordability and growing popularity. Specifically, Bourgas in Bulgaria is a great jumping point for the tranquil swathes of beach along the south coast.

See and be seen on the popular Sunny Beach but head further south to fishing villages such as Sveti Vlas for scenery and solitude.

12 CULTURE
SHANGHAI, CHINA

If the World Cup is this year’s biggest event, then Expo 2010 – the big international fair which runs from 1 May to 31 October in China’s largest city – is a close second. A rush of hotels will open to coincide with the opening, such as the striking Conrad Shanghai and the re-opening of the classic Peace Hotel as the Fairmont Peace Hotel Shanghai (pictured).

13 ROMANCE
CORFU, GREECE

When it comes to something a little more intimate, we love Villa Arenaria right by Lefkada on Greece’s west coast, just 500m from the beach. With two bedrooms, you could invite your mates along to this Stealing Beauty-esque, Tuscan-style villa surrounded by lemon and orange trees – but once you see it, you’ll probably want it all to yourself. www.styleholidays.co.uk

14 ACTIVE
WHITE-WATER RAFTING IN ICELAND

Iceland’s extraordinary and other-worldy landscape – with its geysers, bubbling hot springs and volcanic craters – is the perfect backdrop for adventure. Head out from Reykjavík to the glaciated landscape of the Skagafjörður region of northern Iceland, where Activity Tours (www.rafting.is) runs a variety of affordable (from around £30), white-water rafting tours for everyone from adrenaline junkies – eight-metre cliff jump, anyone? – to those who prefer to enjoy the fresh air and scenery at a more leisurely pace.

15 GADGET
NINTENDO DSI XL

The bigger-screened, handheld gaming device famous for its Brain Training is arriving in the UK sometime before April. Called the DSi LL in Japan where it is, of course already out, pricing is still to be announced but it is likely to be higher than the regular DSi. www.nintendo.co.uk

16 TECHNOLOGY
ITABLET

It’s been a rumour for years, and it now looks like it will happen sooner than we thought. The iTablet – Apple’s 10-inch portable, no-keyboard, touch-screen, iPhone-style computer is set to be released in the next few months. The cross between an iPhone and a MacBook will change the world and is sure to make travelling a pure pleasure.

17 ROMANCE
THE MALDIVES

Since Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes honeymooned in the Maldives in 2006, this group of 1,000-odd islands in the Indian Ocean has become the destination of choice for any superstar couple in search of a romantic retreat.

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon renewed their wedding vows here, while Beyoncé Knowles and Jay-Z toured the islands by private yacht. It’s easy to see why – you’d need a heart of stone not to be moved by the stunning coral islands and deep blue lagoons. New resorts to look out for this year include the Raffles Konottaa (www.raffles.com/maldives), pictured, and Anantara Kihavah Villas (www.kihavah-maldives.anantara.com), both in the south.

18 KIDS
DINOSOLES

Take note, this summer’s ‘please-mum-and-dad-I need them’ shoes (aka the new Heelys) are Dinosoles, as modelled by the coolest of all celebrity offspring, Maddox Jolie-Pitt. They have a flashing LED dinosaur eye, a 3D rubber T-rex on the side and a footprint on the sole. Guaranteed to make your plimsolls from yesteryear look pre-historic (from £24.99, www.amazon.co.uk).

19 WELLBEING
HOOPNOTICA TRAVEL HULA HOOP

Want abs that would make Gwen Stefani weep? Ok, a tall order, but let’s face it, the Hoopnotica Travel Hula Hoop trumps the gym as a fun way to shed the preand post-holiday pounds. This new collapsable travel version weighs just 680g, so you can carry on sculpting that bikini body while you’re away. And at £45, it’s much cheaper (and nicer) than a personal trainer. www.whatagirlwants.com

20 TREND
AGADIR, MOROCCO

Carrie and the ladies might be bringing their trademark chic to Marrakech in the upcoming Sex and the City 2, but for those ahead of the curb, Agadir is Morocco’s more affordable and travel-forward hotspot.

The up-and-coming Mirleft (right) on the coast, a 30-minute drive south, is especially worth noting. It’s where new bohemians are recreating the 60s trendsetting Moroccan experience of Hendrix and the Stones.

21 FASHION
BIKINIS OR ONE-PIECE?

Sarah Dolan-Abrahams, Swim and Accessories Buyer at Figleaves.com selects five summer swimwear trends

1 Monochrome Parisian chic
Black and white was all over this season’s catwalk. Think simple and but super chic and great shapes. Fiji swimsuit, £38, Pour Moi.

2 Pin-up in retro styling
1950s polka dots are big this season, as are halter-necks. Lunar polka dot underwire sweetheart padded bikini, £32 and classic fold brief £22, Freya.

3 Shine
Foil print designs and wet look styles are everywhere this season, particularly on sexy cut-out swimsuits. Black with foil print set, £45 bandeau, £35 pant, Seafolly.

4 Nautical
This trend resurfaces as sailor stripes and polka dots on timeless, French Riviera style pieces. Underwire bikini top, £98 and bikini brief with gold sliders, £65, Eda.

5 Real concealers
Be smart about looking great – shape your curves in all the right places and learn what will make you stick out, but in a good way. Halter cross over, £62, Seaspray.

22 ACTIVE
SICILY, ITALY

The island’s newest luxury resort, The Verdura Golf and Spa resort (www.elegantresorts.co.uk), pictured, comes with 1.8km of its own private coastline. But the real draws here are the nine-hole and two 18-hole year-round golf courses, all designed by Kyle Phillips. A round will take you along the shore, with a view of the Med from every hole. If a stay here is out of budget, the course is open to non-residents. Or, Sicily boasts two other 18-hole courses: Il Picciolo (www.ilpicciologolf.com), with views of Mount Etna, and Le Madonie (www.lemadoniegolf.com).

23 CULTURE
ISTANBUL, TURKEY

As a non-EU destination, not only has Turkey remained affordable, it is also a Capital of Culture this year, so it’s a hot short break destination. In preparation, the country’s largest city has renovated major attractions such as its iconic mosque Hagia Sophia (pictured) and is opening new museums and cultural institutions such as the Frank Gehry-designed Suna Kıraç Cultural Center – which will stage events throughout the year. www.en.istanbul2010.org

24 MUSIC
SPLIT, CROATIA

If you love the boutique boho vibe of Bestival, the fishing village of Petrane, a 90-minute drive from Split on Croatia’s Dalmatian Coast, is the new hub for leftfield music festivals with its outdoor amphitheatre. The newest festival to hit the scene in 2009, Soundwave (23-25 July, www.soundwavecroatia.com), pictured, attracts the likes of DJ Yoda and The Bays. It offers cheaper booze, bank balance-friendly entry tickets and forget needing wellies, think about topping up the tan instead.

25 BEAUTY
BEACH BABES

Rodial’s ‘skinny sticks’, which build tanning pigments in the skin and help you tone up before hitting the beach, were such a success last year with the likes of Sienna Miller, they have introduced a ‘tummy tuck stick’ – a food supplement to help digestion – made with natural ingredients (£48 for 14 sticks, www.rodial.co.uk). Pour one stick into a glass of water and mix to create a holiday-friendly coconut, mango and pineapple fruit drink – one stick a day for two weeks.

26 ACCESSORIES
BAG THIS

When Jennifer Aniston and Kate Hudson jet from LA to New York, they chose Bric’s Luggage. The Milanese label will be launching its new X Bag range at the end of February, which is lightweight and foldable for any extra (shopping) weight you accrue. We absolutely love the very chic X Bag White Weekender – and the affordable price tag.

Large Bag, £65, www.caseluggage.com

27 ADVENTURE
MOTORHOMES IN CANADA

Richard Hammond’s hit book A Short History of Caravans and the emergence of ‘glamping’ (glam camping), have made sure that mobile homes are firmly on trend. But why stop at Europe when you can drive through Canada, with its national parks, epic mountain ranges, majestic lakes and grizzly bears? Go west for Banff and the Rocky Mountains or head east for Niagara Falls. www.tcsignature.com

28 LUXURY
PORT ELIZABETH, SOUTH AFRICA

While everyone is mad about Cape Town in the run up to the World Cup, why not head for the up-and-coming Port Elizabeth, 750km down the scenic Garden Route? The sunkissed bay is home to the Nelson Mandela Stadium and is less congested than its Western Cape counterpart. The chic five-star Radisson Blu Hotel Waterfront (www.thomascook.com), which just opened in November, has an idyllic panoramic ocean view from the pool deck – the perfect retreat if you need to escape the football fever.

29 FASHION
SUNGLASSES

1 Red with smoke lens, £15, Viva La Diva (www.vivaladiva.com)

2 Silver tint aviators, £65, Ted Baker (www.tedbaker.com)

3 Black wayfarer, £117, Ray Ban at My Wardrobe.com (www.my-wardrobe.com)

4 Tortoiseshell, £15, Urban Outfitters (www.urbanoutfitters.co.uk)

5 Palermo Viejo, £130, adidas Eyewear (www.adidas.com)

Styling: Katie Greengrass

30 ACTIVE
CANCUN, MEXICO

With Mexico’s bicentennial of its Independence movement and the centennial of its Revolution, Cancun is going extreme this year. Head for Xplor Park (www.xplor.travel), a new eco-park in Riviera Maya, where you can whip through the jungle on 3.2km of zip lines, take a 4.8km trek on an amphibious vehicle, row a bamboo raft and swim in an underground river through caverns lined with stalactites and stalagmites. And there will even be a steaming mug of hot chocolate waiting for you when you emerge!

31 AFFORDABLE
DUBAI

Travel experts are predicting that one of the world’s ritziest destinations will be this year’s holiday bargain. Specifically, the premium end of the market that is expected to sell at a substantially reduced priced. Rates have dropped by around 7% but some hotels are dropping their prices by as much as 50% so it’s worth making some inquiries. Burj penthouse, anyone?

32 TRANSPORT
THREE INNOVATIVE WAYS TO TRAVEL

Conference Bike

You may have already spotted one of the 250 seven-seated bicycles across cities in Europe and America. One person steers while the other six pedal. Much wilder and more fun than walking around in a big group.

Segway XT

This two-wheeled, self-balancing electrical vehicle can be a fun way to glide and tour new places. Companies such as City Segway Tours hire them out around cities from Berlin and Budapest to San Francisco and Paris.

P.U.M.A. (Personal Urban Mobility and Accessibility)

If the people at Segway have their way, these two-wheeled energy-efficient vehicles (pictured, right) will represent the future of travel – but at the moment, only a prototype is available.

33 FASHION
HOW TO DAZZLE AROUND THE POOL

Styling: Harris Elliott

1 - Lace dress, £30, Topshop (www.topshop.com)

2 - Lola beaded bag, £125, Antik Batik (www.net-a-porter.com)

3 - Norma sequined knot headband, £55, Jennifer Ouellette (www.net-a-porter.com)

4 - Fit flip-flop, £21.99, Havaianas (www.office.co.uk)

5 - New Edie Kaftan, £200, Diane Von Furstenberg, (www.matchesfashion.com)

34 CRUISE
THE WORLD’S BIGGEST SHIP

Launched late last year, Royal Caribbean’s Oasis of the Seas is officially the largest ship on the ocean.

At an astounding 20 stories high, it has 21 pools, 24 restaurants and can accommodate around 5,400 passengers. From May 10, she will alternate an Eastern and Western Caribbean itinerary, which will stop over in Labadee, (a private beach destination in Haiti), Jamaica, and Cozumel, Mexico.

When it comes to the size of your holiday, remember, size absolutely does matter. www.cruisethomascook.com

35 WELLBEING
PAPHOS, CYPRUS

Cyprus is fast becoming a year-round sunny home of boutique spas. After all, it’s the birthplace of Aphrodite. In addition to the Almyra Spa and celebfavourite, Anassa’s Thalassa Spa (both available through www.elegantresorts.co.uk), that opened in Paphos last year, the stylish Asimina Suites Hotel (www.hotels4u.com), pictured, is scheduled to open in April, which will boast a five-star CBH Elixir spa with thalassotherapy and aromatherapy treatments.

36 CELEB SPOTTING
SARDINIA

Most famous names spotted over summer on a yacht (think Kate Moss (pictured) Naomi Campbell …) have been shot on the super luxurious Costa Smeralda, or Emerald Coast of Sardinia, where the Abramoviches and Briatores of this world are moored. The Beckhams and the Redknapps (see page 40) are also fans. For a Sardinian escape without the celeb price tag, opt for nearby charming villages, such as Palau and Santa Teresa di Gallura.

37 PARTY
IBIZA, BALEARIC ISLANDS

Still the destination of choice for thousands of cool clubbers worldwide. For maximum fun, head over for the opening parties from Ibiza Rocks to the classic Pure Pacha, Amnesia and Space opening, which take place from mid-May to mid-June.

38 BEAUTY
FINGER CANDY

Make-up is set to “swing from seriously bright and hot all the way to nude and natural”, says Nonie Creme, Founding Creative Director, Butter London (www.butterlondon.com). “Nails can go either way, with lacquer looking back to classic reds, tropical hues, and a few clean neutrals thrown in for good measure.”

Below, Yummy Mummy, Pillar Box Red, Jaffa £10 each, available from March at www.strawberryandcream.com

39 BEAUTY
SUMMER HAIR

If the asymmetric part-shaved look as pioneered by model Alice Dellal and at least two of the X-Factor finalists is a little extreme for you to achieve, celebrity hairdresser James Brown (and best pal of Kate Moss) recommends a softer approach for ‘two-textured hair’ which involves lots of (James Brown) serum and hairspray and slicking the sides down. He showed it off at the spring / summer Julien MacDonald show and it’s this summer’s hottest hair trend.

40 TREND
LAS VEGAS, USA

A raft of new hotel openings in Vegas seems to be threatening the town’s Fear and Loathing reputation of slot machines and bad carpets. The Mandarin Oriental (www.mandarinoriental.com), pictured, is the latest to join the strip’s hotels, where spa-going and fine dining are taking over from poker chips and all-youcan-eat buffets. Other hotels supporting the trend include Mandalay Bay’s all-suite boutique hotel, TheHotel (www.tcsignature.com), the eco-friendly Vdara (www.vdara.com) and Aria (www.arialasvegas.com).

41 SPORT
WORLD CUP

If you need to be reminded of the biggest sporting event this summer, then you should probably look away. Still reading? Go support the boys in South Africa this World Cup (11 June-11 July) and tell your grandkids about it in years to come. www.thomascooksport.com

42 GADGET TAPE
EXPRESS

Last year, we were all busy converting our vinyl records to MP3 format, this year, it’s time to revive our cassette collection, from Top 40 recordings to girl/boyfriend compilations. This piece of retro fun connects to an amp and will also play your original cassettes on holiday or anywhere else. £49.99, www.iwantoneofthose.com

43 ACTIVE
FOCA, TURKEY

After an £800,000 refurbishment, Club Phokaia is set to re-open by April. Based near the charming and unspoilt fishing village of Foca (pronounced ‘fotcha’) Club Phokaia overlooks the serene waters of Mersinaki Bay – which are ideal for windsurfers and water sports enthusiasts. And every history lover will fall under the spell of the historic town, only a 10-minute walk away. www.neilson.com

A babymoon is an expectant parent’s last chance for pampering, relaxation and hot-air ballooning

WORDS DANNY WALLACE
PHOTOGRAPHY GEMMA DAY  

“Your life will change, you know,” they tell you, their eyes wild and horror right across their faces. “Your life will change more than you guess!”

“Well,” you reply, perhaps with an awkward grin, “I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

But this just makes it worse.

“No,” they insist, gripping you by the shoulders and staring at you intently. “No, you don’t understand. Your life. It’s no longer your life. It’s theirs! They take it! Like a… like a… tiny fun-parasite! You’re just a… a facilitator. A butler. You’re no more than a glorified butler – and they don’t even pay you!”

“Well… it was nice chatting,” you try, moving away ever-so-slightly, but forget it, because they’re far from finished, and they grab you again.

“What are your ambitions?” they demand to know.

“Ambitions?”

“Yeah! Ambitions! Do you want to go in a hot-air balloon? Because you will never go in a hot-air balloon! You’ll be too busy dealing with sick and praying for just one silent moment to start messing around with hot-air balloons! You will be too weak for a dalliance with hot-air ballooning! Consider your hot-air ballooning days over!”

And you thank them for the advice, and start to slowly back away, and then you think, “When did Dad start using words like ‘dalliance’?”

But it is true. After the congratulations and the backslaps and the well-done-yous that follow your proud announcement – that you, yes you, are to become a parent come the warnings. You will not sleep. You will forget what pubs are. And you can pretty much write off holidays for the next who-knows-how-many years.

That last one hadn’t bothered me at first. Not until I realised that the last holiday my wife and I had been on – a glorious week of beaches and G&Ts and sunshine and lie-ins and battered paperbacks crumpled by water in the Dubai sun – felt like it was more than 400 years ago. I might as well have holidayed in the Triassic period.

But even as her belly began to grow a little more each day, and the warnings kept on coming, we put it off. There were too many other things we needed to do. And, anyway, where’s a good place to go when you’re pregnant?

And that’s when we heard about the concept of ‘The Babymoon’.

“It’s brilliant!” I told her, excitedly. “It’s like a proper excuse to have a holiday. A last hurrah before we swap our freedom and all our hot-air ballooning for a life of nappies and cots!”

“Hot-air ballooning?”

“And you’ll get pampered! It’s all about the pampering!”

And it is. The babymoon is all about the pampering. It’s about spas and lotions and potions, and lazy massages with oils and mud. It’s about facials and saunas and facepacks and having your feet rubbed until either you drift off or they fall off. It is, according to reports, about a pregnant woman getting recharged, replenished, refreshed and rehydrated, and really used to saying lots of words that begin with “re”, like “relaxed” and, “Really, I shouldn’t, but if I can’t have two desserts on holiday, when can I?”

It seemed… right.

“Why should we stay in the fading winter light when we can smother ourselves in sesame-seed oil and have a burly German pummel our backs?” I said. “Let’s go!”

And so, just a couple of weeks later, we find ourselves being offered a complimentary glass of Champagne as we check into Tenerife’s Abama Resort and Spa, on the smooth slopes of Spain’s highest peak, the Atlantic just a moment away, and feeling really very fancy indeed.

“Look,” I say, pointing at a leaflet I’ve just found. “At Abama Spa, we consider the mind, body and spirit in a holistic way. Through an ancestral journey, we are able to awaken to the most important moment: the present.”

“What does that mean?” asks my wife.

“I’ve absolutely no idea. But check out the treatments…”

I hand her the list.

“Aha!” she says, “’The Expectant Couple’s Massage Class’. The father’s taught loads of massage techniques so he can massage the mother throughout the rest of the pregnancy and months beyond…”

Uh-oh.

“I think I heard someone say that one was cancelled.”

“When? We’ve just arrived.”

“Yeah. It’s pretty much cancelled.”

I make a sad face and take the list back, quickly. “Hey,” I say, “you can get a Polynesian Coconut Facial Massage. You’ve always wanted one of those. It’s ‘revitalising’. You like words that begin with ‘re’.”

“And what’ll you do?”

“Reconnaissance.”

Abama, it turns out, isn’t short of places to explore. There are 12 restaurants – one headed up by chef Martín Berasategui, whose restaurant in San Sebastián has won three Michelin stars – a private beach, four pools, tennis courts, its own funicular and an 18-hole golf course. But it’s the spa we’re here to make use of, and when I make it there, my wife’s already midway through her first mother-to-be treatment – the Sesame Ritual, a “body polish with nourishing olive pulp followed by a gentle lymph-draining massage with deeply hydrating sesame oil to reduce the appearance of potential stretch marks.”

I am not sure what lymphs are and whether you’re supposed to drain them, but my wife looks too happy to talk. I decide to give it a go myself and find my way to the hydrotherapy room.

“This is based on the Roman tradition of sequential thermal bathing,” a helpful lady tells me, and I get stuck straight in. I enjoy my first-ever sauna. On her advice, I jump straight into a freezing plunge pool.

My glasses fall off and I decide not to do that again. So I head for another small room, full of flowery vapours, until I’m sure I smell like my grandma’s lavender pillow. I try the sub-zero Snow Cabin, and it feels so bad I am convinced it must be good for me, so I reward myself with a jump into the hydrotherapy pool, which pummels me about and almost instantly starts to massage the tight London knots out of my back.

And then – gloriously – a lady brings me a fruit juice and points me to a sun lounger in the garden.

All of which leaves me feeling that if a babymoon is this good for the dad, what’s it like for the mum?

“That was amazing,” says my wife, at the end of our first day. “What shall we do tomorrow?”

“We should drain some more lymphs,”

I say, studying the treatments list and yawning. “Or maybe try their salt scrub. Or flotation tank. Or an anti-ageing facial with essence of prickly pear.”

I turn the page.

“Or we could get a harmonising massage with bamboo sticks, even though that sounds like it might be a mugging of some kind.”

But there’s no reaction. She’s fallen asleep.

“Rested,” I think. “That’s another word that begins with ‘re’”.

And I turn out the light, and I start to drift off, and I realise I couldn’t care less about hot-air ballooning than I do right now.

GETTING THERE

For more about Tenerife, visit your local Thomas Cook or Going Places store, call +44 (0)844 412 5966, visit www.thomascook.com or tune in to Thomas Coook TV on Sky channel 655

WHERE THEY STAYED
Danny and Greta stayed at the clifftop Abama Golf & Spa Resort (www.thomascook.com). Their three-day luxury Babymoon detox package offers a customised diagnostic programme to expectant mothers which includes a tailored diet by a nutritionist, a fitness evaluation, pure pampering treatments (dads-to-be can also get involved), and daily access to the thermal water circuit and gym.

WHERE ELSE TO STAY
You can also soak up the west-coast sun at Barceló Varadero (www.thomascook.com), an affordable alternative for families who want to holiday on the doorstep of the Blue Flag award-winning beach, Playa de La Arena.